EVERY BAD THING THAT COULD HAPPEN DID

Every single minute that goes by is a nightmare. This may be my last transmission because all I can think about now is buying a little bullet and renting a big gun. What’s the lyric to the Friends theme song? Something about you didn’t think life would turn out this way. Can’t imagine a worse existence than this. Can’t imagine breathing this air for another day. I can’t rely on my parents anymore. From now on we eat shit and die for a living. I guess. I think I’m just rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic at this point. There’s no stopping what’s coming and that’s my death. One way or another, I will not live to see 36 and that makes sense. I didn’t do much with my life. I can’t even sustain myself. Music isn’t working. The medication I’m prescribed isn’t working. I’m pretty sure the psych nurse practitioner that saw me last week only suggested Welbutrin because she’s paid by them. I’m barely hanging on. I don’t want money. Money makes me sick. When I see it I throw up.

I’ve always sort of spat in the face of my own existence. I never really felt like I asked to be here or wanted consciousness. Clearly haven’t done anything useful with it except cause pain. The only influence I have is pain. I choke on the pain that I spread. Well I don’t know but I just do what they said. When I was in my 20s I would drink and drive cause I didn’t care if I died probably didn’t care if I killed anyone either. I would do nothing but drink and now I can’t even imagine sipping on anything or sinking into that dirty bath again. If nothing else I’m at least sharp now and ready to pounce on something. But I’m stock still normally and the only place you can find me now is behind an instrument. No taking little girlies on dates, no little adventures around the state, no movies, no restaurants, no washing machine, no dog vet, no cat litter, it’s all completely and totally fucked now. What’s that song about it being too late to apologize? How does it go? “It’s too late to apologize” wow. Deep.

The balance of events doesn’t add up. I saw a car wreck yesterday. Guy went straight at the roundabout, hit it hard. Maybe it was a woman. But they went up in the air and flew into a pole, stopped. They were alive. Saw them talking to someone. Didn’t get out and help cuz it was all looky lou’s and i just felt un-useful. Funny it was just like my song “you wrecked your van on the roundabout. you’re lucky that ya didn’t die.” Did Spencer predict a random car wreck? It was awful made me sick to my stomach. Was he just looking at his phone? Could have died. I know he hit another car so could have killed to. Killing is worse than dying. Dying is forgiveable but most killing is not I’d say. Not by god. Not by man. You go to prison for killing a man and when you get out you are not absolved. The rest of your life is suspect and scrutinized and whatever i don’dt even wanna finish this. i don’t give a fuck. who gives a fuck about anything. no one.